Reflection

This is not the usual Dollycas post, no book reviews, no giveaways, just some thoughts.

A year ago at this same time I was in a totally different place in my mind.  I have suffered from depression for years, even before my accident.  It was something no one ever talked about to anyone, with the exception of your doctor, your spouse and maybe a very good friend.

Last year I hit rock bottom.  I didn't allow any decorations for Christmas on the main level of this house.  My son and his wife decorated their apartment downstairs and that is where the kids celebrated Christmas.  I did not celebrate at all.  My kids gave me presents that didn't get opened until after the new year.  I didn't attend any family gatherings or any church services.  There were days I never got out of bed.

The downward spiral started with a doctor's appointment that finally diagnosed the severe pain I was suffering with in my arms.  An inoperable cyst a the base of my neck on my spinal cord.  The doctor prescribed medication the immediately helped with the pain, but told me that a simple fall or turn of my head could cause the cyst to burst.  If that happened the best thing would be death because I would then be completely paralyzed from the neck down.  Thank God the cyst has not burst yet and hopefully never will, but in the past year I have found my faith again and just like I did when I was saved after my accident, I know I am not the one in control.

Then in February when my mom passed away. I didn't handle it well at all and each day got worse.  Her birthday is Christmas Eve and by then I was a mess.

Then in April I lost my job at the church which I truly loved, the details on that would fill a book so I will only say, I totally lost respect for the man that was my pastor and another man I thought was my friend.  The church is filled with other angels that helped me maintain and sustain but not get beyond the pain.  I am still working through this.

Then we lost a court fight with an huge area hospital who had double billed us, using 2 separate account numbers for the same emergency room visit for our daughter in 2006.  Her 6 hour stay with a band-aid and observation cost almost 1/3 as much as my 75 day stay with all my surgeries. Even with a stack of papers over 6 inches high detailing everything we had done, the judge said we did not use enough due diligence to prove our case.  He glibly suggested that if we didn't like his decision we could sue the hospital, like we have money for that.  We did send several letters to everyone from the CEO to the board of directors of the hospital (over 30 people) asking/begging them to please review our case now that they had their money times two, find the mistake and do the right thing.  We sent each letter 3 times even with delivery confirmation and have never received even 1 reply.

The monthly garnishment ordered was almost the exact same amount as our house payment.  Which meant we couldn't pay both and almost lost our house.  Thankfully early this year Jeff was able to get our loan modified and we still have our house, the garnishment is complete and we can pay our house payment.  I guess we were one of the few to benefit from the housing and bank crash. But our credit rating really sucks.

Now back to this exact time last year, we had no money for presents.  I was feeling guilty because of my condition, thinking if I was "whole" that none of the above would have happened with the exception of my mom, but I probably would have handled that better.  I felt our lives would be in a whole better place had it not been for that dreadful accident.  I even had thoughts that my family would have been better off if I had just died and they could get on with their lives without having to worry about me. Some days even wishing to go to sleep and not wake up.

Before and during this time I would spend some time on the internet and had made a few friends.  People I now know were put in my path to save me.  They only knew me through this computer world and built me up when I needed it and told me to get my head out of, well you know, when I needed that too.  They weren't family who treated me with kid gloves.  Don't get me wrong, my whole family and close friends were great, supportive, here for me.  But as my sister often says the Boness women and our daughters too, are a different breed.  We always see the dark, negative, horrible side of things long before we ever see the light.  We know it takes special people to put up with us. Luckily we were both blessed with fantastic husbands. For some reason we handle things better from people we have never met in person, and that was definitely the case here. .

Last year when I was at my lowest, these computer friends encouraged me to start a blog.  I had no idea how to start one, what I would write about and why in the world anyone would want to read anything I wrote.  These friends and I had two things in common, we loved books and loved to read.  We had met on a book swapping site.  So I did a little research and on 12/31/2009 Dollycas's Thoughts was born with this post:

2010 RESOLUTIONS

1. BE A BETTER PERSON
2. START A BLOG
3. READ 140 BOOKS

This blog has grown by leaps and bounds since then and quite literally saved my life. It has made me a better person.  It gives me a reason to get out of bed every morning.  I have gotten to "meet" some truly wonderful people.  I have "met" many of my favorite authors.  I get several books sent to me to read and review every month. (I have read way over 140 books.) I have made some truly awesome friends, many I will never get to meet face to face but are here in this computer world everyday with something to make me laugh, cry, share, communicate, and still give me that kick when I need it.  I have realized yet again what a great gift LIFE is.  It is hard to believe that in 23 days this blog will celebrate its 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY.

Thank you to my old friends that got me here. Thank you to my new friends for following, reading, sharing, and posting.  Thank you to every author who has given me the pleasure to read and enjoy your work.  Thank you to my family, all of you who have put up with me through all the years.  Yes, many of you fit into more than one of those categories.  Just know I appreciate each and every one of you more than any words I could ever write.

This year the tree is up, lights and other decorations are being added daily.  Christmas will be celebrated in this house and I will be at the gatherings, with the  exception of my church.  Just can't get past that hurt yet.  Now if I could just find a way to get paid for all the blogging fun I would have it made, :) all the other benefits are priceless. You never known what plan lays ahead. I just need to keep my eyes and heart open for the opportunities that may cross my path and remember that the life I have right now is so much better than my life could have been.  It is truly a miracle.

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I recently received the following from Kathy Carton Willis and am including this as part of this post because as you can see from above Depression is a serious issue and I personally understand the holidays can be one of the most difficult times for people with depression.

Dear Bloggers,

Many individuals will struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts during this Christmas Season. Some studies show that there is an increase in emotional/mental health struggles from Thanksgiving to New Years Day. Author and speaker, Linda Evans Shepherd, understands full-well the added pressures many face this time of year. She has compiled materials to help others find the hope they need to win over depression. Can you help us prevent holiday suicides by posting this information on your blog sometime during the month of December?

Ways you can help encourage the discouraged this holiday season:

1. Add the GodTest.com link to your blog or website so interested parties can find the site during their time of need.
2. Send this note to your pastor or church and let them know we are offering this PDF as a church bulletin insert, free of charge.
3. Mention the link above or the link to your blog post on facebook, twitter, or other social networking site, to help create a ripple effect as we get the word out about this needful information.
   

Thanks for partnering with us to get the word out about this important issue. Please let us know if you choose to participate in this project so we can report the response to Linda. We will all rejoice in the amount of buzz this gets as we spread the word.

Shining the Light on Him and His,

Kathy & KCWC Team

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I was not familiar with this site before the email and it is may not be the right choice for everyone suffering with depression, but it could be a vital starting point.

According to the DSM IV*, a medical reference commonly used by health care professionals to aid in diagnosis, a major depressive episode consists of many of the following symptoms and occurs nearly every day for at least two weeks:

• Depressed mood most of the day; feeling sad or empty, tearful
• Significant loss of interest or pleasure in activities that used to be enjoyable
• Significant weight loss (when not dieting) or weight gain; decrease or increase in appetite
• Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
• Agitation; or slowing down of thoughts and reduction of physical movements
• Fatigue or loss of energy
• Feelings of worthlessness or inappropriate guilt
• Poor concentration or having difficulty making decisions
• Thinking about death or suicide

If you are having any of the above symptoms please contact your health care professional to discuss some or all of the above symptoms with you. It’s important to openly share your feelings with him or her.

I wish all of you a safe and wonderful holiday season and if you need a little help please be strong and reach out.  Do not be ashamed or embarrassed.   Every person needs to reach out for something some time in their lives.  It may be the hardest thing you ever do but the benefits will make it so worthwhile.

Lori/ Dollycas